Hello again, everyone.  Looks like most of you survived my last Rant (with the exception of one person), so it's time for another round of Random Rants.

-It was recently brought to my attention that I pick on Philadelphia way too much.  As a matter of fact, I was told by some of my Philly friends that I need to apologize.  So here goes......I am sorry......that you have to live in Philadelphia.  There...better now?

- Excerpt from a recently overheard conversation:

Devil:  Alright, here's the deal.  If I let you win this ONE tournament, you take the rest of the year off...and, being that I already own YOUR soul, I get the soul of your first born.

Tiger Woods:  Where do I sign?

- And speaking of the Devil, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins for signing a contract with Satan.  It's true.  I guess they decided if you can't beat 'em (Patriots, Tiger, Red Wings, etc), might as well join 'em.  What was that?  Oh, it's just some guy named Satan...not the real Satan.  I guess that explains why it was only a one year contract.

- The only difference between Mexico and Maryland is that it doesn't rain this much in Mexico......and the service is better in Mexico.

- Fuck Wal-Mart.

- I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

- I thought I might have been a little rough on ESPN a couple of Rants ago, so I decided to give them another chance.  I turned it on one night and I must say I was shocked and pleasantly surprised.  They were covering the closing ceremonies of the Special Olympics.  There was a bunch of guys running around hugging everyone, with their hats all crooked, and they were having trouble speaking correctly....kinda just yelling and spouting gibberish.  That's when I realized I was watching the post game celebration of the NBA finals.  Eerily similar.

Thanks for checking in.  As always, I look forward to your comments....just don't be afraid to put your name on it.  What's the worse that can happen?

Till next time.....drinks are on me,

BL

In the past, George Carlin did routines based on "people I could do without".  I always thought this was some of his most brilliant work.  In tribute to George, here is MY list of people I can do without:

- People who treat animals better than they do other people.

- For that matter, people who treat animals as if they WERE people.  You know, those jerk offs who put dogs in sweaters and carry them around in purses.  These are the same idiots who are just asking to be in a car accident by letting the little monsters sit on there laps while they are driving.

- Guys that retire from the military who just WON'T LET IT GO!  Now before you say anything, I am not bashing veterans.  Just the ones who decide they need to spend their retired years living next to military bases and pretending they are still in.  Hey John Wayne, the military survived all those years before you enlisted...I think they will do ok now.

- Environmentalists.  Want the real reason why gas prices are so high?  Ask these mother fuckers!

- People that feel the need to let me hear their radio....4 car lengths away.  I can't wait for the day that you are playing your radio so loud that you don't hear that tractor trailer bearing down on you ass and crushes your "speaker on wheel" into the side of a bridge!

- Guys who call soccer, "football".  Listen, jackass, we won the war, we can call it whatever we want!  Besides, it's not really a sport anyway.  It's a game played in third world countries by people that can't afford REAL sports equipment.

- Women who "have more guy friends than girl friends".  Boy am I tired of hearing this one.  You can try and justify it any way you want, but we have names for people like you.....Whores!

- And finally, people who have to make there schedule around reality TV.  "Oh, I can't go out tonight, the first round of 'American Idol' is on."  By all means, please keep your untalented, no-life having, boring ass at home....the world is a better place without you.

If I havn't offended someone today, I will be surprised.  Rest assured, there will be more added to this list shortly.  I am looking forward to your responses.  Feel free to add to the list via your comments as well....would love to hear who you think I should have on the list.

Till next time.....drinks are on me,

BL

(Special note:  I borrowed the title from Penn and Teller, and of course, the idea for the Rant from George Carlin.  Robin Williams and Dennis Leary, take note...at least I gave the originator credit).

Hello again, Lee-tards.  Now that my move to Mexico..I mean, Maryland is just about done, it's time for more Random Rants.

- If you are reading this website, there is a good chance you didn't see "Sex and the City: The Movie".  I guess the hype was alot bigger than the final product.  Sorry to hear it, SATC folks.  However, in a related note, congratulations to Sarah Jessica Parker for coming in third at the Belmont Stakes.

- For Fathers' Day, I was going to do my part and volunteer to be a Big Brother for a kid who might not have a dad.  Did you know they did background checks?  Apparantley someone who says "My name is Brian and I like to drink" for a living is not considered a qualified candidate.

- Last month a helicopter crashed into a hospital in Grand Rapids.  I thought to myself, "well, that's convenient".

- Congratulations again to the Pittsburgh Penguins to going all the way to the Stanley Cup finals.  During the entire playoffs, they only lost 6 games.  Out of those 6 losses, 5 were officiated by referees Brad Watson and Marc Joanette.  Coincidence?

- NASCAR is currently being sued for racial discrimination and sexual harassment.  Can you believe it?  A redneck organization like NASCAR being named in a sexual harrassment and racial discrimination case?  What's next, players in the NBA being named in paternity cases?

- The environmental movement uses the environment and animal species as an excuse for putting the means of production (the land) off limits to the American citizen. Putting the means of production off limits to the citizen is the definition of communism. Putting gas and oil off limits to the citizen is the definition of insanity.  The Government estimates that the outer continental shelf has 76 billion barrels of oil in it that are recoverable.  Let me put that into perspective. 76 billion barrels is enough to replace every single barrel of oil that we import from everywhere outside of North America for the next 34 years at our current pace.  On June 11th, Congress voted against the U.S. drilling on the continental shelf.  Keep that in mind next time you vote for your Congressman.



Till next time....drinks are on me!

BL 

"Chick Flick"!  What is it about those two words that scare's the hell out of every self-respecting male?  Why would men rather be smacked in the scrotum with a wiffle ball bat then to have to sit through one of these 90-minute nightmares?  I think I may have finally figured it out.

See, the problem with chick flicks is this.....women think this shit could actually happen.  Apparently, in whatever world they are living in, they are convinced that some prince is going to show up on his white horse and whisk them away to a magical kingdom, shower them with riches and live happily ever after.  Ok, maybe that is a little extreme.  Maybe they are just convinced that the 6 foot 5, caring, monogamous, rich (can't forget that one) underwear model will show up at the office and sweep her off her feet.  Yep, this guy never cheats, strays, burps, farts, gambles, watches sports or porn, drinks beer with his buddies, and "just loves her friends".  Are we seeing the problem yet?

Now here is where the Fantasy Vs. Reality comes in to play.  Chick Flicks are just not realistic at all.  You want realistic...try an action or horror movie!

I can hear it now..."Brian, how can you say that and action/horror movie is more realistic than love story (chick flick)?"  The answer is real simple.  Which scenario is more likely to happen:

a) Brad Pitt/George Clooney/Matthew McConaughey/ etc. meets Miss Average Nobody (you) at some coffee house and after a series of coincidences and adventures, falls madly in love with you. OR

b) Miss Average Nobody (you, again) gets shot in the face by a terrorists or hacked to death by an axe murderer?

Hmmm....if you said Scenario B, congratulations.  If you said Scenario A, all I can say is I wish the best of luck to you, your 32 cats and the unicorn you ride into work on everyday.

Till next time....drinks are on me!

BL